The mommy guilt is hitting me hard lately.
I'm slow and tired and achy. I just haven't felt like a real mom or wife lately. I know that I over think things a lot but my family's happiness is what I worry about most. I will gladly run around like a chicken with it's head cut off just to hold everything together so that my family is happy. Every night Tim and I have a conversation about the kids. What they ate that day, what they got to do for fun, naughty things they did and how we can correct them, funny things they said or did. At the end of the conversation I always tell him, "I just hope they know they are loved. That's the most important thing to me, for them to know that we love them."
These last few weeks I haven't been able to play with them, run with them or hold them like I used to. They ask me to play airplane and it breaks my heart when I have to tell them I can't. So much has fallen onto my husbands shoulders and I feel guilty about that too. I'm so excited to have this new addition come to our family, I've wanted this baby for a long time, but boy is it hard! As a mom I'm so used to running all the errands, cleaning the house, wrestling the kids, singing to them at night and everything else that comes with it. I admit sometimes I go overboard with projects and crafts to keep them happy but if it makes them smile it's worth it to me. Not being able to do that right now is just heart breaking to me.
Two days ago Owen had to get a physical for school. During the visit the P.A. lectured me pretty hard on not letting my kids have too much "screen time." I didn't say anything but it broke my heart. Playing Starfall (a kids education site), PBS Kids, or watching cartoons with them is one of the only things I can do right now where they can sit in my lap and I can last more than an hour. I shouldn't have let it get to me but I did.
This morning I made them a fort and it wore me out. It was basically my only contribution to their morning since the chocolate chip pancakes I tried to make were a flop and we ended up eating cereal. By 10 am I was exhausted and had to ask Jenzyne to take them to the pool so I could rest. I felt so guilty. I rested for an hour, just in time for them to return home and make them some lunch. The guilt was eating away at me during nap/quiet time and I went to the living room to check on Owen who wanted to do quiet time in the fort. He had fallen asleep. It's such a small thing but it meant so much to me that he was having fun there and that he felt safe, safe enough to fall asleep there. It was one of the only things I could do for them today and watching him sleep just warmed my heart.
I'm sure the Mommy guilt will continue for awhile. I tend to overt think things and I'm sure this is one of them. But my goal is still the same regardless, as long as they know they are loved and I will be happy.